Today was I thought to be a long fun day. Feelings should be positive as what I always expect it to be. I will have a shoot later on, then meet a client for a while, excited to see a bestfriend after long time then we’ll have a great time to end our day. But the mere thought used to make me physically and mentally ill that I felt I had died recently. Awareness kicked in; my photoshoot was cancelled, my bestfriend didn’t show up, I was waiting in vain for a call that hasn’t arrive. Yeah, I know, it feels like everything’s smashed into a million pieces. Some people are just big, fat idiots who made things horrible and stupid mistakes. So I feel so hurt, so scared and so angry. There’s nothing worse than when someone betrays you and you feel that you can’t trust them. I can’t even imagine if it’s possible that I would ever trust those people again, and at this moment I may not even wanted to try.

From there I swung the pendulum the other way on why I trusted everyone. It is because I refused to consider that their actions might reflect that they didn’t truly care. And I stayed in a lot of unhealthy relationship before, while excuses for people because I wanted them to care. I wanted to believe they valued me — that it only meant I was interpreting incorrectly if the act seemed to suggest otherwise. And this is where it gets confusing. On the one hand, I often created a lot of meaning in my head that wasn’t really there. I feel convinced someone intended to be rude, inconsiderate, or thoughtless when really that wasn’t the case. On the other hand, actions should speak louder than words and that was my main interpretations.

Just my first thought was I can’t take to see the person anymore, who kept on hurting me several times. But I wanted to believe that he was a good man with a bad past, going through a hard time, and that we could both be happy if I was there for him. I felt the love, and I cared truly, but for whatever reason, I am always triggered with fears and experiences of an unpleasant circumstances. My mind subconsciously wanted to avoid anything that I believe had caused me so much pain. And this silence after my last blog thought my life was going great. I did the flirting, meeting the people, and enjoying as what it is. But then again, SMACK! My world comes crashing down, hoping in a kind of good way.

Eventually, it was so obvious and strange as I feel silly walking alone this afternooon talking to myself while thinking about the major issues in my life. Things suddenly started being reorganized for me and feel like I no longer have a choice. I got fired from that job I’ve known I supposed to quit. The relationship I’ve been thinking about ending just end without my choice. Life’s rearranging itself and happened inevitably. I sat down with immense sadness and tears waiting for a signal from the universe when someone blows into my path that says I wasn’t alone. I found out that my old mentor Tom and I was being guided by a spirit guide who calls himself by the same name. It was totally unnoticeable or even if I do notice it, it’s easy to discredit it as only a coincidence. I felt all this myself and so have millions of other people who’ve been through this. After placing myself in this situation more times than I’d like to count, I had developed a little guide that helped me recognize when enough is enough.

Now, I am at the plane and I felt black as I looked over my window of the dark clouds, thinking if it’s either I trusted people implicitly, assuming they never intentionally hurt me, or believed they wanted to cause me pain and questioned everything I did. The Universe didn’t leave me and my stubbornness out to dry, though. I was smacked in the face with the answers that I needed and had to spent my last 200 dollars with this unexpected occurrences. I am flying to Cebu just to shove me out from my comfort zone.

No more wasted time, effort, or attention should be spent from now on. I know it’s harsh, but it seemed to be a less hurtful option if I just distance myself from those who tried to intimidate and disparage me. I have been through traumatic experiences all my life and didn’t want to get hurt again, though I admitted I often felt something was missing in my life. Job situations change. People change. Accepting that sometimes things won’t go my way allows me to let go of the anxiety and stress that arise from my life resistance. I know that people who truly respected me would encourage me to grow. Eventually, I realized I was limiting my relationships by not recognizing the grey area, where people are human, they make mistakes and they need forgiveness and understanding.