Drinking was a crucial part of my personal brand, as valuable as clubbing, smoking, “partying” and judging others. Before I turned 25, those bad habits would just stick around. Not all day, not long enough to do any real damage and it didn’t matter at all. It’s as pretty much everyone was on the same page. We got drunk and things happened. It was eye-opening, mostly because I could barely open my eyes. Everyone I meet now seems like into something, so let’s not make a big deal out of this.

As a younger girl I’m wild on, I once fancied myself to be a shameless antic drunk to begin with. I had apparently join a lot of drinking contests, body shots and even tried to run a drunk marathon. Seriously, I couldn’t forget how I physically was running all over the town and every muscle in my body was spasming and wretched. It was all crazy. I took shots at the end of every night and drank long necks most of the time. Beer was my usual breakfast. And I was proud to say that I can wake up from drinking period without so much bad hangovers at all.

Dancing and hopping into different clubs were pretty all simple those days. Basically it’s because you just have to stand there sweating and moving your hips back and forth, waiting for a cute guy to grab you by the waist until he gets you a drink. When everything goes on well, it’s time to get laid. Having a one-night stand was I guess the most awkward thing before, and with my recreational drug use, smoking and puffing different kinds of “party”, I think it’s totally fine if these were just partake wisely.

BUT, as the saying goes, “too much for everything is dangerous”. If I had too much, I’m always expected to have few bruises on different parts of my body and a ripped dress after a night of drunken. If I were to get into a fight and beat someones ass, I would most likely be on the wrong end of an assault suit within a month. Those crazy behaviours probably the reasons most clubs banned me and even arguing with the cops sent me to jails back then.

Now, the idea of doing those bad habits too much, over and over again scares me for many reasons. Things are slowly going different recently and it’s almost human. More importantly, I am tired of playing games. I really, really don’t like being touched and I hate being used. These are usually some of the cases I worry about. But the worst is, my body just can’t tolerate the bad habits anymore. I already got blackout drunk a few more times before I addressed this issue. Now I feel a terrible hangover that can put me out of commission for a few days time. It was then that I also feel cigarette smoking makes my breath stink and I hate it. I also quit the substance abuse as it do more harm on my health and it made me look like a zombie. Finally, I learned that I am no longer like my favorite character superhero boyfriend Hulk, strong and mighty as what myself used to be.

Just like Superman, I have already found my kryptonite in the half bottle of Jagermeister, when I was invited to come over and party with a dear friend from Cebu last night. That very one last night I was convinced by myself that clubbing and getting wasted is not my thing anymore. Now I realised that I had to stop denying it to myself, I am no longer immortal, I am invincible no more and all those futile years of trying out and pulling the wool over my hangover’s eyes and somehow trick it into not happening is finally over. I think the main thing I’ve learned, as I’ve come to terms with becoming human, is I have just got to save the big nights for special occasions such as weddings, birthdays, divorces lol, etc. There’s nothing wrong with being wounded for a few days as long as it’s not an everyday thing anymore.

So now, I am starting to understand what it’s like to drink responsibly, have two glasses of wine or any drinks with dinner, instead of 2 bottles, no smoking, no more shots, and just go to bed at a reasonable time. I know I still have those friends who will party like they’re 18 forever, but call me old-fashioned, you better keep your bottles and nose candy for yourself. I am getting a handle on my limits and I know simply that if I have anything more than four drinks, things could get crazy. Anything before that though, I have come to understand that I can’t skip dinner before a night of drinking, unless I want to be puking on the cab driver later.

Drinking is fun. It’s comforting. It helps us meet people. I am totally okay with just drinking by myself now without feeling like an alcoholic. I can watch a movie all alone and drink half a bottle of wine, maybe even a full one, without shame spiralling the next day. My relationship to alcohol is fairly stable now. That being said, if I want to get wasted, I can and I will. It just has to be an occasion worthy enough to merit the hangover I will experience the next day. But still, from now on, I will be a grownup lady as I journey into my mid 20’s, and I practically say that I will live by the Tobey Keith song “As Good As I Once Was”, with the video context and the whole lyrics means to me that:

“I may not be good as I once was on my younger years most of the time now, but if I could be that good at the time, I’m as good once as I ever was.”