I thought that I’ve found the only one and last love of my life. I thought that it was finally time. But it wasn’t. I should have known. I faced rejection in the worst possible way. What was I thinking? Yes, I am right. He is an idiot gawaar, just like everyone else.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t met him. I really wish I could get the courage to leave him. He is very old but he screams like a teenager at me, swears at me all the time, and is the biggest idiot in the world. He always thinks he is a gangster retard recon as he walks all over people with a smile and everyone continues to think that he is a wonderful person and that nothing is wrong.

Before, I hated his presence in my professional life. He was my associate at work and gave me one on ones for an entire year. I felt like he listened so intently and I realize now that he gained so much insight into my character and personality this time that there was nothing I could do against his advances. He pushed me out of my career and took pleasure in ruining my life causing me to question even my most basic desires and goals. Yet I still believed that we had some kind of connection and he was making me fall back into the loop of liking him again and again when I had decided on not anymore. Last week, I have made up my mind and given my whole to him. So stupid that the things we did were only ever to coax me out of my shell and bloated his ego.

The day he got me I felt like something was off. It wasn’t the same but I thought again and I was like a stupid girl trying to make something wrong when there isn’t. I was at the point of telling him I loved him too but then he dumped me the moment things became difficult. Then I fell back into his trap again. He took advantage of me. He told me he loved me, that he never wanted to leave me, how much he will miss me if I ever left him, just so many things that he dreamed and wanted us to do. He said we could actually make it to the end and I believed him. But maybe falling for him was a mistake. Maybe he was only after of how I could show him my love. Maybe he was only concerned with how to play me. And this creep, this piece of trash that does not deserve to live on this earth, still cares about me. I care so deeply for him too, but I just don’t know. I think he is just a player with perfect flowing flowering words. He does care and I hate that he is so genuine about it.

But the way he exaggerated everything in front of me, the way he hugged and flirted with every girl, and with all the lies were terrible. He targeted me because he knows I was a better trophy for him I suppose. He already knew he was the stronger one. And I would have punched him and kicked him if I could, but I just fell in love with him. Until now, I could feel a stabbing at my heart each time I thought of getting depressed thinking I was being clingy and just accusing him of cheating and lying because somehow I had some insecurities too. He was constantly surrounded by other girls, flirting and laughing while I felt like a bag of used, chewed up gum.

Why can’t I just move on? This is tearing me apart! I was being psychotic about it and it stays all in my head now. Maybe another girl someday will be in his arms soon enough, too soon. At that time, I would love to tell him something along the lines of “Go along with your butt old self” and I’d probably get him into trouble because I know I can’t take seeing him with another girl. I want him to hate me so much, so he’ll just stay away and I’ll never have to ever see him. Or maybe I will just have to suck it up.

For all those years of torture, I just want the me back that was stolen. It’s exhausting living this way. At this point everyone knew, I suffered a lot. They also knew I’m a kind, sweet-loving, giving person. I see others needs and give unselfishly. And this man, I saw his weaknesses and needs and so I keep on staying no matter how hard our relationship was. I have all the love and support to fill the voids in his life. I want to make it up the lack of love from his mother, and fiercely defended him when his friends and others are against of our love. I was strong when he was weak but he ignored my needs, left and abandoned me at this times of weakness. The pain that it caused left me angry and now I hate myself again. I lost my loving spirit. And he doesn’t even care. There is a never ending stream of trusting people who burnt through the rest of my life and he will never know what it is like to feel alone and unloved, like I feel now.